Would you like to come stay at my place for a weekend? I will try very hard to be an excellent host and show you the best of Los Angeles.
When you arrive, you will find the guest room has been carefully prepared for you.
Note: the comforter is the exact print of Bea Arthur's Golden Girls bedding.
As soon as you've freshened up, we will gratify your first request: shopping on Melrose.
We will not buy these boots.
Later that evening, I will host a small gathering of fun, charming, and attractive people. Your favorite among these people will smootch you, if you wish.
The next morning, we will go to brunch, perhaps at the Standard on the Sunset Strip. We will laugh and laugh. As you are statistically likely to hail from a climate that is less balmy than that of Los Angeles, you will particularly enjoy sitting by the pool. And ogling the young hotties in their swimsuits.
There will also be a wide selection of restorative beverages.
You will then request that we drive around Hollywood and Downtown. I will point out Mann's Chinese Theatre, Pink's Hot Dogs, and Olvera Street before proceeding to the Staples Center, where I will have finagled seats in a luxury box for a Lakers game. Ice Cube will be in the adjacent box. He will be friendly.
When, alas, it is time to for you to return to your native soil, I will squeeze in one last classic L.A. moment at the airport.
So, are you interested? I'm happy to customize our touring schedule to suit your preferences. I'll even take you to the valley.
WHO could resist Bea's bedding? Nobody, that's who.
But, question. Why would we not buy those boots?
Posted by: New Jan Brady | March 28, 2006 at 10:14 AM
I am all in! When do I get out of the freakin' cold Midwest?
Posted by: Terri | March 28, 2006 at 04:02 PM
Answer: the boots have teeth. TEETH! Like an alien that would try to eat Sigourney Weaver.
The glitter ones, though, those we would get.
Terri - apparently my mad hosting skills expired as I wrote the post, because it's raining like a mother effer today. But probably still not as cold as the midwest...
Posted by: Vaguely Urban | March 28, 2006 at 05:09 PM
Bea's bedding kills me! As would the boots. I'm glad you wouldn't make me buy them.
Posted by: Chris | March 29, 2006 at 08:49 AM
so is the "encounters" restaurant a strip club? ;)
i would love the beverages. and the toiletries. i'm in!
Posted by: Sarcomical | March 29, 2006 at 04:27 PM
The only place I actually shopped on Melrose was Starbucks, I needed coffee to overcome the killer jet lag.
The Valley lol been there seen that, I even saw "The Mall" from Valley girl lol.
Posted by: Wendy | March 29, 2006 at 10:02 PM
I'm in, but only if Ice Cube sings Fuck tha Police for me. That would so rock the Staples Center.
Posted by: Amalah | March 30, 2006 at 07:51 AM
Encounter totally sounds like a strip club! But it's really a 60's era restaurant in the middle of LAX. It's very futuristic. And also it hasn't been updated since the 60's so it's a little grubby. As in, the lava lamps no longer work.
If it's a gentleman's (woman's) club you seek, I will take you to Spearmint Rhino. btw, doesn't that shed a bit of light on the Peppermint Hippo club on South Park?
We can wear glittery boots. Ice Cube can come with.
Posted by: Vaguely Urban | March 30, 2006 at 10:50 AM
But we will try on similar boots, gold boots with heels too high for polite company. And you will say, "You kind of look like a bitch in those boots." And then I will have to buy the boots.
Along with a friendlier pair of red moccasins.
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